25 Diet Questions You Know You Want To Ask

Dear Diet Helpline,

I recently started your ‘How To Be Really Miserable Without Even Trying’ diet, but have since noticed some worrying side effects. I am aware that not all diets suit every body-type, because each person has a different metabolism and physiology, but please would you reassure me that this is the right diet for me by answering the following questions:

1. If your diet is so ‘easy’ and ‘satisfying’, why am I always so psychotically angry and hungry?
2. Why haven’t I lost any weight yet when I’ve been on your diet for five days now?
3. Why can’t I still fit into anything at my local surf shop?
4. Why does cutting out sugar make me want to take an axe to my husband’s head every time he looks at me?
5. Can anyone actually eat quinoa, bulgur wheat, kale, buckwheat noodles or seeds without retching?
6. Do organic chips really count as carbs?
7. Why don’t I feel ‘full of life, confident, energised and happy’ yet, as described on your website?
8. Why do all the healthy drinks you recommend taste like cat piss? Eg. Green tea,  vegetable juices and just about anything with coconut water.
9. What does ‘bikini ready’ actually mean and will it involve trimming?
10. Why do I want to eat my weight in Big Macs after jogging?
11. Does stopping for coffee during exercise count as interval training?
12. Can jogging really cause a pelvic prolapse?
13. Is my husband right when he says that sex is the best form of exercise?
14. Does lying there while we have sex and thinking about Jared Leto’s hair and Chris Hemsworth’s chest count as exercise?
15. Is it normal to clear a shopping centre with wind?
16. Does having a pelvic prolapse prevent you from having to have sex?
17. Is it normal for me to miss Snickers bars more than my deceased grandmother?
18. Why is my sleep continually disturbed by visions of Chris Hemsworth in his Thor costume delivering pizza to my door?
19. Does a salad without crispy bacon and croutons even count as a meal?
20. How much is too much cucumber?
21. According to your website, nuts, bananas and avocados are fattening? FML.
22. Has it been scientifically proven that fruit is full of sugar?
23. I read on Pinterest that chocolate is a vegetable? Please confirm?
24. Is it normal for my skin to be a fluorescent shade of ‘Hewitt orange’ since replacing my Snickers bars with carrots?
25. Do cocktails count as shakes?

Yours truly,

Mrs FuckNewYearsResolutions