Dear Diet Helpline,
I recently started your ‘How To Be Really Miserable Without Even Trying’ diet, but have since noticed some worrying side effects. I am aware that not all diets suit every body-type, because each person has a different metabolism and physiology, but please would you reassure me that this is the right diet for me by answering the following questions:
- If your diet is so ‘easy’ and ‘satisfying’, why am I always so psychotically angry and hungry?
- Why haven’t I lost any weight yet when I’ve been on your diet for five days now?
- Why can’t I still fit into anything at my local surf shop?
- Why does cutting out sugar make me want to take an axe to my husband’s head every time he looks at me?
- Can anyone actually eat quinoa, bulgur wheat, kale, buckwheat noodles or seeds without retching?
- Do organic chips really count as carbs?
- Why don’t I feel ‘full of life, confident, energised and happy’ yet, as described on your website?
- Why do all the healthy drinks you recommend taste like cat piss? Eg. Green tea, vegetable juices and just about anything with coconut water.
- What does ‘bikini ready’ actually mean and will it involve trimming?
- Why do I want to eat my weight in Big Macs after jogging?
- Does stopping for coffee during exercise count as interval training?
- Can jogging really cause a pelvic prolapse?
- Is my husband right when he says that sex is the best form of exercise?
- Does lying there while we have sex and thinking about Jared Leto’s hair and Chris Hemsworth’s chest count as exercise?
- Is it normal to clear a shopping centre with wind?
- Does having a pelvic prolapse prevent you from having to have sex?
- Is it normal for me to miss Snickers bars more than my deceased grandmother?
- Why is my sleep continually disturbed by visions of Chris Hemsworth in his Thor costume delivering pizza to my door?
- Does a salad without crispy bacon and croutons even count as a meal?
- How much is too much cucumber?
- According to your website, nuts, bananas and avocados are fattening? FML.
- Has it been scientifically proven that fruit is full of sugar?
- I read on Pinterest that chocolate is a vegetable? Please confirm?
- Is it normal for my skin to be a fluorescent shade of ‘Hewitt orange’ since replacing my Snickers bars with carrots?
- Do cocktails count as shakes?