At the time, young women in the upper and middle classes were treated as little more than porcelain dolls (or blow-up dolls if you consider marital rape), albeit they were luckier than some women in the early twentieth century who were committed to psychiatric institutions by their husbands. Hence, it was not hard to empathise with the predicaments of Mary and Sibylla and to acknowledge that faced with similarly appalling choices and circumstances, I suspect that I, too, would have chosen to remain a spinster – albeit in the sex industry rather than childcare.
The success of this trip wasn’t related to a return to the father/child dynamic or a sudden change in our personality types, it was about the development of mutual respect in our adult relationship; an unspoken truce that was reached between two stubborn adults who finally accepted that two people can be right about the same thing. It confirmed to me the reassuring truth that old dogs can learn new tricks – and in this, I am not only referring to him.
After a recent breakdown whilst packing my suitcase for a short trip away, I realised I am a “maximiser”. Where stakes are high, this can be a good thing, but trying to meet expectations and a level of perfectionism (that is impossible to achieve) also creates a lot of unnecessary stress. And for most decisions, the art of “satisficing” is a much healthier approach.
On the back of my latest argument with my husband about whose responsibility it is to wipe down the benchtops after dinner, this week I decided to write on the weighty topic of marriage.
Or more pertinently, LOOOOONG marriages.
For the record, I am not a marriage counsellor and I can only base my ideas on my lived experience of marriage. I am also somewhat concerned that this post could be the Hello Magazine kiss of death to my marriage. But inspired by one of Mel Robbins’ podcasts, “The Most Eye-Opening Conversation on Marriage & Love You Will Ever Hear”, and her discussion with top divorce lawyer, James Sexton (author of How To Stay In Love), below is my take on the do’s and don’t of long marriages.
“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” — Dave Meurer
If I had to sum up my marriage in a sentence, the quote above captures it perfectly. Because after years of trying to create the Instagram marriage, to enjoy the same things and put each other first all the time, my husband and I have finally agreed to accept our differences and try to enjoy them.
Ageing has helped with this acceptance. We stress less about the small stuff and let shit go that used to lead to conflict. So much so, my father calls us “lifers” in marriage – this from a man whose longest marriage lasted 7 years. Nevertheless, the talk between Mel and James proved uncomfortable listening at times, a not altogether pleasant reminder of all the don’ts I’ve committed in our relationship and the bloody hard work it took to rectify them. So I decided to share some of the salient points with you in this post, using my own experience as examples of what not to do in a relationship.
Like houses, relationships take work and time to build. Success is usually determined by solid foundations, the way you handle challenges along the way, how much effort you put in, and a genuine desire to succeed
We celebrate our thirty-third wedding anniversary this year, and like many long marriages, it has been a colourful rollercoaster of memorable highs and unavoidable lows. Marriage is not easy – something no-one warns you about when you stand at the altar in your rose-tinted glasses. Mainly because of how much each of you will change over decades of time – or don’t change, which can be just as big an issue. And because no one is immune to life’s fuckery, which inevitably takes its toll. And one day you wake up and realise that it takes more than compromise, love or even make-up sex to hold your relationship together. You also need a willingness to succeed and some luck, James states, although he also makes the poignant point that “Not every marriage should last.”
Good communication and the ability to compromise help sustain a marriage, but successful relationships also need a willingness to succeed and some luck
There was a lot to digest in this podcast, and I can only touch on a few salient points in this short blog post. And, admittedly, some of them are fairly obvious. But I’ve decided to include them anyway, because occasionally all of us need a reminder of the basic ethics of good relationships. So here they are, my do’s and don’ts to survive a long marriage:
DO:
Communicate – This is one of those glaringly obvious ones I mentioned earlier, but in the biggest causes of marital burnout league, poor communication is often the biggest culprit. If you can’t talk to your partner or no longer feel the desire to talk to your partner about stuff that isn’t working for you, your connection starts to break down. For example, in the early years of our marriage, I was Queen of the silent treatment. A proud Leo, I could go for weeks without talking to my husband after some minor disagreement until maturity and therapy showed me how damaging and downright childish that was. Language, which I will mention later, is also an important part of good communication.
Pay Attention – This is a major gripe of mine. Often, I don’t feel heard or that my husband doesn’t make as much effort in the organisation of our together time or the romance department. But if I’m honest, we are both guilty of taking each other for granted. Although I see our independence in our relationship as a positive, if we’re not careful it leads to distance. I suppose I knew when I married him that it would be impossible to change him – he was never going to become chief organiser – but I also need to remember what he does do. The last few years of our son’s mental health issues would have pulled many couples apart, so perhaps I need to give him some grace.
Show Up – There are so may times when my husband has had my back and I hope I have reciprocated. He has held my head over the toilet when I’ve been sick, collected me from a job from which I’d just been fired, and validated and countless times, he has acted upon my decisions in times of crisis – even if he hasn’t necessarily agreed with them. Some of the benefits of a long marriage are the trust and intuition you build over time together; the knowledge and understanding of what is important to each of you.
MaintainLoyalty and Respect – I learnt this lesson a while back. In our thirties, before life’s general fuckery, ageing, and anti-depressants, I enjoyed being the centre of attention at small gatherings, often making my husband the butt of my ill-timed jokes. What I didn’t realise at the time was that he, a private man, was hurt by my filter-less humour. With age, I now see the importance of trust and boundaries to protect what we have. Do I miss the laughs I got from embellishing stories at his expense? Yes – to my mind, I was a far more interesting person back then. But I value more the greater depth to our relationship, the “ride or die” investment we committed to.
DON’T:
Disconnect – In James’ view, diconnection is one of the major contributors to emotional separation. It is obvious how and why this happens. You under-appreciated or exhausted from balancing everything. Changing values and finances start to create rifts. During times of stress, many people shut down as their way of coping – not just me – which elevates the risks of disconnection. Without generalising or making this gender-based, many men still struggle to talk about their feelings. They bottle them up, leaving them to fester. This has happened to us when pressure at work became unbearable for my husband around the time I entered perimenopause. Struggling to meet the needs of the kids and work, confronted by our son’s mental health issues, and experiencing the first debiitating symptoms of that stage of life, we both shut down emotionally. I understand now that avoidance is not a solution.
Weaponise Arguments – James talks a lot about how to improve communication during arguments, because even in the healthiest relationship these happen. It is a survival response when you feel hurt or unheard to resort to point-scoring in conflict. But it isn’t the right thing to do. Weaponising arguments or trivialising concerns by targeting your partner’s vulnerability is a no go. James suggests using a safe word when arguments get too heated or one of you has checked out. And no, unfortunately F*ck Off is not considered a safe word. Writing a letter to your loved one is another of his suggestions.
Avoid Difficult Situations and Conversations – It is far easier to walk away from bad situations, but the relationships that endure are the ones where couples acknowledge their partner’s feelings – even if it kills you internally – and can reflect on what isn’t working. Obviously, sometimes a time-out is a necessary, short-term strategy, but if the cause of your difference is a matter of pride, anxiety-induced or a short-term problem, there is still hope.
How do we manage the forks in the road?
Like houses, relationships take time to build and success is usually determined by solid foundations, the way couples handle challenges along the way, how much effort you put in, and a genuine desire to succeed. And all that sounds great and everything but what it really translates into is a lot of hard work, on-the-job experience and a fair bit of adulting – which not all of us are good at. And at the same time, we’re fighting other fires like how to meet the needs of our kids or to pay the mortgage. So how do we manage those forks in the road. Well, James suggests asking your partner for three things you did this week that made them feel loved or where youmaybe missed the mark this week. I thought about this and realised I couldn’t think of three things myself. Or change things up – a weekend away together or a dinner out has solved many problems for us – although James also emphasises that turning things around isn’t necessarily about making grand gestures or spending lots of money to show you care. It is more about providing an opportunity to reconnect. Small acts of kindness like organsing a picnic together can go a long way.
Unfortunately, my introverted husband is energised by playing sport, watching his favourite tv shows, and reading – activities that couldn’t be more different to my idea of fun and more often than not don’t involve me. The last time I made an effort to reconnect, by dragging my arse around the golf course with him, he told me that I was bad luck. The memes and videos I share with him daily usually fall on deaf ears and I risk one of his dreaded finance meetings if I waste money on something he doesn’t consider adds value. So maybe the solution is to pay for an extra bucket of balls for him at the driving range or have his tennis racket restrung whilst I treat myself to a nice lunch in a fancy restaurant.
Marriage isn’t easy and you won’t always hit the mark. Which is okay. And as James points out, if you’re in it for the long term, it’s about trying, turning a blind eye to the small stuff, and not giving up.
As the world watches Punch the monkey find his way in his new world, his personal challenge offers us a visceral reminder of the pain of rejection.
For some women, remaining relevant in older age poses a similar challenge. But I’m discovering that it’s not all bad. There are truly some benefits to this new season.
Many women start to feel “invisible” once they reach their fifties when ageing and menopause, ageism and sexism all conspire together to reduce their value and confidence in society. Having spent decades dedicating their lives to family and work, it hurts to find themselves suddenly undervalued and evicted from an establishment that at one time relied on them.
“It’s as if, suddenly, in the whole scheme of things, I’m no longer relevant. In my fifties, I simply don’t register on anyone’s radar the way I used to. Nothing personal, love. Next.”Maggie Alderson, SMH
Now in my sixties, I agonised for some time about what my identity and new place in the world would look like in retirement. I can’t deny either that on occasion I missed the male gaze – albeit not enough to appreciate the only lascivious stares I get these days, from men in their seventies and eighties.
I don’t miss the judgment
Sexualised, pigeon-holed and judged for our looks and choices for most of our lives, it is clearly a difficult transition both physically and emotionally to suddenly disappear from society. To stop having to fight. And the pain is compounded by the notion that men age better than women – or is it that they are allowed to age? – another double standard derived from misogyny and the brainwashing from women’s magazines and social media.
I love no longer having anything to prove
Fortunately for me, I was never targeted that much by unwanted attention when I was younger. Introverted by nature (and small-boobed to boot), men seemed to pick up on the fuck-off message my body transmitted if they got too close. An early inspiration for the resting bitchface, I am certain that the opposite sex decided I was “difficult”.
I also struggled with smalltalk, preferring deeper conversations on topics that usually lead to conflict, and though there were times when I fretted over my lack of social graces and envied the natural vivaciousness of my friends, those feelings of insecurity have since disappeared with my smooth skin. These days, I care much less now about what people think of me. More importantly, perhaps, I grow more confident and content in my own company and skin.
Crap at smalltalk, with a resting bitchface, I was rarely bothered by strangers
“Every woman hits a phase where she doesn’t want parties, people or noise. Just peace and her purpose.” Divine Female Mind” | Instagram
Undoubtedly, this transition from relevance – or society’s definition of relevance – isn’t as easy for every woman. And I can understand why career-women or women who have fought hard for equality can find themselves slighted or somewhat lost. For me personally, though, I cannot ignore the benefits of this stage – the freedom not to wear makeup, shave my legs or tend to my lady garden. The liberation of using the equipment at the gym without someone mansplaining to me how it works or trying to make small talk at the water fountain. In fact, my full membership to the invisibility club was proven on a recent visit there when, realising that my shirt was on inside out, I stripped it off in full view of the other patrons and no one batted an eyelid.
Scrolling past the advertisements on my Insta for age-concealing beauty products has become a full-time job
Of course, accepting this change in status can feel arduous at times, especially when Instagram inundates my feed daily with advertisements for neck serums, age-concealing foundations, and beef tallow. And though on bad days, I am more conscious of my cellulite, turkey neck and the relentless pressure to turn back time – I’m human, after all – after years of forced beautification, the removal of judgment is a huge relief that has more than made up for the lack of elasticity in my skin. There are better ways to fill my time than worrying about fine lines and age spots.
The best bit about ageing is that it changes your priorities, which helps with this acceptance. Because, with death staring me in the face, why on earth would I waste precious time and money on expensive beauty treatments that force me to make small talk with people half my age?
“When we understand that each day isn’t one more day, but one less, we start giving more value to what truly matters.” (Source believed to be The Joker)
“A reduced sense of visibility does not necessarily constrain experience. Associated with greater empathy and compassion, invisibility directs us toward a more humanitarian view of the larger world. This diminished status can, in fact, sustain and inform—rather than limit—our lives. Going unrecognized can, paradoxically, help us recognize our place in the larger scheme of things.”
The reality is that getting old is neither punishment nor death sentence and certainly not something that is within our control. So, if we look at it as a privilege that shouldn’t be wasted, as a rebirth and an opportunity to reset, reinvent and self-discover, this season offers as much fulfilment as the others did.
It helps that we are now old enough, wise enough (and ugly enough) to understand that value is linked to integrity, compassion, growth and generosity, rather than looks. Hence, after years of sexist comments, uninvited attention and commands to smile, a delicious sense of freedom, self-permission and excitement comes with invisibility.
It is a new dawn.
After years of sexist comments, uninvited attention, and commands to smile, there is an delicious sense of freedom that comes with invisibility
Skinny dipping is the best analogy I can find for this new sense of freedom. Remember those times when you left your inhibitions with your clothes on the foreshore and experienced a true weightlessness in your body as it tingled from the shock of cold water on your naked skin – a thrill heightened by the risk of discovery.
This year, my goal was to find more peace, which is why I am leaning into this reduction of noise in my life. I am grateful for this new era, this gift of freedom from judgment. It has taken me sixty years but finally, I am ready to be me. “Relevance” isn’t created by public perception, it comes from within, and I choose how to define it. These days, no one knows about or would understand the tiny things that bring me joy and fulfilment now or about my bigger, scarier plans that may or may not eventuate. And that’s okay.
Like Rachel Ward, I am proud to embrace this season, whatever it brings, like a pig in shit.
It’s easy to get caught up in the aspirations of retired friends who have unlimited funds and important to recognise what you want out of your next chapter.
In my last post, I talked about one controversial way I am filling some of the extra free time that has come with semi-retirement. However, as I hurtle towards the finish line of my working life – or D Day as I privately call it – I’m still nervous about potentially, long, empty days ahead.
Transitions are scary, especially when a lifelong scaffold that supported you through most of your adult life is suddenly removed, so it’s not uncommon for retirees to panic about the loss of routine in their lives. Furthermore, as half of a couple that isn’t particularly turned on by global travel, meeting new people or learning new tricks, it’s going to take time to work out my new normal.
It’s not uncommon for some people to struggle with the loss of routine and/or meaning in their lives when they retire
I gave retirement a shot a few years back, discovered I couldn’t hack it, and hastily retreated into another job. However, that slower transition was beneficial for me. It confirmed that I was done working for other people, provided some framework to ease me into a new, slower pace of life and also gave me a better understanding what I want and don’t want in my next chapter. Now, consicous of my privilege of having a choice in this matter, and after years of moaning about work, it’s finally time to take the plunge.
I can do this!
Of course, many retirees have grandkids or elderly parents to keep them busy, but for those of you don’t have any framework, aren’t close to family or have a limited social circle, I’ve listed below some of my current activities that currently keep me busy (that don’t include hours of mindless reality tv):
Lazier mornings – Admittedly, staying in bed longer goes against the recommendations of many retirement experts who believe that a “seize the day” approach is imperative to fulfilment. However, I’ve never been a morning person, and though I’d like to call these extra hours in bed “lay-ins”, with a weakening bladder and a puppy who demands attention, that’s not truly the case.
Gym membership – Everyone knows the importance of keeping your body moving at this age, not to mention the importance of maintaining muscle, and this is a a new activity that I have surprisingly grown to love – sorry. Beneficial not only in terms of my physical health, it’s also proving beneficial to my brain and socialisation – if hiding at the back of the yoga studio or nodding at people counts.
Writing – This is my creative outlet, but over the past few years it has been a bit hit and miss due to various life stressors. However, with a more positive approach to managing my anxiety and more time on my hands, I’m giving it another shot – this time with a “Just do it!” approach rather than striving for perfection. I am conscious of not “giving back” yet – another activity recommended by retirement experts – but having tried various volunteering activities and realising I wasn’t in the right mental space – for the moment, writing is my outlet to “help”, by sharing my experiences about ageing and mental health.
We got a puppy! – Getting a puppy in retirement is not for the faint-hearted or for those who want to travel or like cream carpets. But if global travel isn’t in your plans, I can guarantee that two walks a day, numerous puppy-training fails, games of tug of war, and countless visits to the garden each time the bugger so much as looks in your direction, will keep you busy. The design and creation of a variety of food platters that our puppy usually rejects within a couple of days also takes up a lot of time, as do the hours spent online researching puppy toys, aids and tools with the aim of making all of the above much easier.
On-line shopping – I’m not promoting unnecessary spending – a) because I’m married to an accountant and b) because typically I send back the majority of my purchases. But for those of you who can interpret size guides from clothing manufacturers who clearly design for Oompa Loompas or who simply enjoy window-shopping, this is also a great time-filler.
Housework – Unfortunately, this does not fill as much time as I anticipated because I’m naturally quite lazy and not overly-disgusted by mess. Furthermore, as a feminist, I refuse to take on the bulk of the domestic load – the perfect excuse to ignore the areas of the house that my boys use. But as we all know, there’s always something that needs doing, and the layer of dust on the dashboard of my car has finally guilted me into adding the chore to my husband’s to-do list.
Reading – Before streaming became so popular, this was an invaluable time-filling pastime for retirees. However, when I stupidly signed up with two book clubs to broaden my horizons, I didn’t anticipate that I’d never actually want to read any of the books. What I will say though, is that belonging to clubs enforces a level of accountability, that help prevent you from becoming a couch potato.
Brain-training – I can’t say that I’m overly-enthusiastic about crosswords and brain-training games, but I am persevering with them to offset my early dementia risk from my overconsumption of wine. I am also polishing up my French for all those trips to Europe we’re unlikely to ever take.
Walking with friends – Or what I like to call, free therapy. There are reasons old people become obsessed with nature and gardening in old age, which I believe relates to gratitude and our better understanding of our place in the world. As death gets ever closer, we finally start to understand what truly matters – relationships, peace, health – and the natural world conveys the simplicity of those ideas so beautifully.
I estimate that these habits should use up approximately half of my free time. So what about the remaining hours?
Well, I’ve considered carrying on the Boomer tradition of composing letters of complaint to national newspapers about first-world problems like dogs on beaches, women that expose their butt cheeks in Brazilian bikinis, and parties that go beyond 10 pm. Furthermore, my curtain-twitching skills could do with a polish and soon I may start bombarding my local Facebook page with the deets of anyone who so much as breathes in our street.
I will also make it my mission to keep my husband – unofficial manager of the refuse bins in our streets – cognitively challenged by hiding our bins after each collection and dedicate more time to unnecessary travel research (because he believes that a radius of five kilometres from our home is far enough to experience different cultures).
In my opinion, we should ignore society’s attempts to guilt us into keeping busy. Meaning, purpose and fulfillment comes in many shapes and forms and look different for everyone. What I will say, though, is that however you choose to spend your time, you will need to plan, and a rough idea of what you expect from your next chapter is helpful.
At one time, I couldn’t wait to be old enough to book one of those fancy-schmancy river cruises in Europe to sup on Champagne as local yodellers serenaded me from the shore. Now I can’t imagine anything worse. My advice is follow your instincts and be honest about what you want. The biggest benefit of ageing is the wisdom of finally understanding and accepting ourselves for who we are and, fortunately, there are countless time-filling activities that are kinder to your bank account, will keep you fit and your brain ticking over.
