For Women Of A Certain Age And Attitude
The success of this trip wasn’t related to a return to the father/child dynamic or a sudden change in our personality types, it was about the development of mutual respect in our adult relationship; an unspoken truce that was reached between two stubborn adults who finally accepted that two people can be right about the same thing. It confirmed to me the reassuring truth that old dogs can learn new tricks – and in this, I am not only referring to him.
After a recent breakdown whilst packing my suitcase for a short trip away, I realised I am a “maximiser”. Where stakes are high, this can be a good thing, but trying to meet expectations and a level of perfectionism (that is impossible to achieve) also creates a lot of unnecessary stress. And for most decisions, the art of “satisficing” is a much healthier approach.
Like houses, relationships take time to build and success is usually determined by solid foundations, the way couples handle challenges along the way, how much effort you put in, and a genuine desire to succeed.And all that sounds great and everying but what it really translates into is a lot of hard work, on-the-job experience and a fair bit of adulting – which not all of us are good at. And at the same time, we’re fighting other fires like how to meet the needs of our kids or to pay the mortgage…
As the world watches Punch the monkey find his way in his new world, his personal challenge offers us a visceral reminder of the pain of rejection.
For some women, remaining relevant in older age poses a similar challenge. But I’m discovering that it’s not all bad. There are truly some benefits to this new season.
Many women start to feel “invisible” once they reach their fifties when ageing and menopause, ageism and sexism all conspire together to reduce their value and confidence in society. Having spent decades dedicating their lives to family and work, it hurts to find themselves suddenly undervalued and evicted from an establishment that at one time relied on them.
“It’s as if, suddenly, in the whole scheme of things, I’m no longer relevant. In my fifties, I simply don’t register on anyone’s radar the way I used to. Nothing personal, love. Next.” Maggie Alderson, SMH
Now in my sixties, I agonised for some time about what my identity and new place in the world would look like in retirement. I can’t deny either that on occasion I missed the male gaze – albeit not enough to appreciate the only lascivious stares I get these days, from men in their seventies and eighties.
Sexualised, pigeon-holed and judged for our looks and choices for most of our lives, it is clearly a difficult transition both physically and emotionally to suddenly disappear from society. To stop having to fight. And the pain is compounded by the notion that men age better than women – or is it that they are allowed to age? – another double standard derived from misogyny and the brainwashing from women’s magazines and social media.
Fortunately for me, I was never targeted that much by unwanted attention when I was younger. Introverted by nature (and small-boobed to boot), men seemed to pick up on the fuck-off message my body transmitted if they got too close. An early inspiration for the resting bitchface, I am certain that the opposite sex decided I was “difficult”.
I also struggled with smalltalk, preferring deeper conversations on topics that usually lead to conflict, and though there were times when I fretted over my lack of social graces and envied the natural vivaciousness of my friends, those feelings of insecurity have since disappeared with my smooth skin. These days, I care much less now about what people think of me. More importantly, perhaps, I grow more confident and content in my own company and skin.
“Every woman hits a phase where she doesn’t want parties, people or noise. Just peace and her purpose.” Divine Female Mind” | Instagram
Undoubtedly, this transition from relevance – or society’s definition of relevance – isn’t as easy for every woman. And I can understand why career-women or women who have fought hard for equality can find themselves slighted or somewhat lost. For me personally, though, I cannot ignore the benefits of this stage – the freedom not to wear makeup, shave my legs or tend to my lady garden. The liberation of using the equipment at the gym without someone mansplaining to me how it works or trying to make small talk at the water fountain. In fact, my full membership to the invisibility club was proven on a recent visit there when, realising that my shirt was on inside out, I stripped it off in full view of the other patrons and no one batted an eyelid.
Of course, accepting this change in status can feel arduous at times, especially when Instagram inundates my feed daily with advertisements for neck serums, age-concealing foundations, and beef tallow. And though on bad days, I am more conscious of my cellulite, turkey neck and the relentless pressure to turn back time – I’m human, after all – after years of forced beautification, the removal of judgment is a huge relief that has more than made up for the lack of elasticity in my skin. There are better ways to fill my time than worrying about fine lines and age spots.
The best bit about ageing is that it changes your priorities, which helps with this acceptance. Because, with death staring me in the face, why on earth would I waste precious time and money on expensive beauty treatments that force me to make small talk with people half my age?
Akiko Busch reinforces the above message in her article for The Atlantic | The Invisibility of Older Women:
“A reduced sense of visibility does not necessarily constrain experience. Associated with greater empathy and compassion, invisibility directs us toward a more humanitarian view of the larger world. This diminished status can, in fact, sustain and inform—rather than limit—our lives. Going unrecognized can, paradoxically, help us recognize our place in the larger scheme of things.”
The reality is that getting old is neither punishment nor death sentence and certainly not something that is within our control. So, if we look at it as a privilege that shouldn’t be wasted, as a rebirth and an opportunity to reset, reinvent and self-discover, this season offers as much fulfilment as the others did.
It helps that we are now old enough, wise enough (and ugly enough) to understand that value is linked to integrity, compassion, growth and generosity, rather than looks. Hence, after years of sexist comments, uninvited attention and commands to smile, a delicious sense of freedom, self-permission and excitement comes with invisibility.
It is a new dawn.
Skinny dipping is the best analogy I can find for this new sense of freedom. Remember those times when you left your inhibitions with your clothes on the foreshore and experienced a true weightlessness in your body as it tingled from the shock of cold water on your naked skin – a thrill heightened by the risk of discovery.
This year, my goal was to find more peace, which is why I am leaning into this reduction of noise in my life. I am grateful for this new era, this gift of freedom from judgment. It has taken me sixty years but finally, I am ready to be me. “Relevance” isn’t created by public perception, it comes from within, and I choose how to define it. These days, no one knows about or would understand the tiny things that bring me joy and fulfilment now or about my bigger, scarier plans that may or may not eventuate. And that’s okay.
Like Rachel Ward, I am proud to embrace this season, whatever it brings, like a pig in shit.
It’s easy to get caught up in the aspirations of retired friends who have unlimited funds and important to recognise what you want out of your next chapter.
In my last post, I talked about one controversial way I am filling some of the extra free time that has come with semi-retirement. However, as I hurtle towards the finish line of my working life – or D Day as I privately call it – I’m still nervous about potentially, long, empty days ahead.
Transitions are scary, especially when a lifelong scaffold that supported you through most of your adult life is suddenly removed, so it’s not uncommon for retirees to panic about the loss of routine in their lives. Furthermore, as half of a couple that isn’t particularly turned on by global travel, meeting new people or learning new tricks, it’s going to take time to work out my new normal.
I gave retirement a shot a few years back, discovered I couldn’t hack it, and hastily retreated into another job. However, that slower transition was beneficial for me. It confirmed that I was done working for other people, provided some framework to ease me into a new, slower pace of life and also gave me a better understanding what I want and don’t want in my next chapter. Now, consicous of my privilege of having a choice in this matter, and after years of moaning about work, it’s finally time to take the plunge.
Of course, many retirees have grandkids or elderly parents to keep them busy, but for those of you don’t have any framework, aren’t close to family or have a limited social circle, I’ve listed below some of my current activities that currently keep me busy (that don’t include hours of mindless reality tv):
Well, I’ve considered carrying on the Boomer tradition of composing letters of complaint to national newspapers about first-world problems like dogs on beaches, women that expose their butt cheeks in Brazilian bikinis, and parties that go beyond 10 pm. Furthermore, my curtain-twitching skills could do with a polish and soon I may start bombarding my local Facebook page with the deets of anyone who so much as breathes in our street.
I will also make it my mission to keep my husband – unofficial manager of the refuse bins in our streets – cognitively challenged by hiding our bins after each collection and dedicate more time to unnecessary travel research (because he believes that a radius of five kilometres from our home is far enough to experience different cultures).
In my opinion, we should ignore society’s attempts to guilt us into keeping busy. Meaning, purpose and fulfillment comes in many shapes and forms and look different for everyone. What I will say, though, is that however you choose to spend your time, you will need to plan, and a rough idea of what you expect from your next chapter is helpful.
At one time, I couldn’t wait to be old enough to book one of those fancy-schmancy river cruises in Europe to sup on Champagne as local yodellers serenaded me from the shore. Now I can’t imagine anything worse. My advice is follow your instincts and be honest about what you want. The biggest benefit of ageing is the wisdom of finally understanding and accepting ourselves for who we are and, fortunately, there are countless time-filling activities that are kinder to your bank account, will keep you fit and your brain ticking over.
My Midlife Mayhem 