What Really Happened At The Royal Birth?

That Kate Middleton is one seriously lucky lady. Not only did she land a prince, (in spite of being a commoner), but she also appears to have had the easiest childbirth on record for a first-time mum.

Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbilical cord has not yet been cut. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did I hear correctly – was it really an 8 hour labour? The words ‘lucky biatch’ spring to mind if I’m honest – or is that a treasonable offence?

There will be pregnant women around the globe turning green with envy when the average labour is more like 12 hours, (and realistically that statistic has probably been fictitiously created to prevent a decrease in the population).

Perhaps there really is something special about the Monarchy after all.

Perhaps the Royal sperm has the mystical qualities of Royal Jelly or Royal blood and its powers managed to loosen the tight Royal cervix unnaturally quickly for delivery of the future heir to the throne.

It certainly sounds as though Kate didn’t experience the atypical child-birth horrors that the rest of us mortals experience, (and that none of us likes to talk about during our child-rearing years – not while we may still have to go through the whole bloodbath again).

Forget the Hollywood movies, the vocabulary associated with childbirth of mucus plugs, dilation, transition (which is when pain becomes unbearable fucking pain and you are screaming for someone to put you out of your misery) and labour pain (which still makes me protectively cross my legs rather like when you mention circumcision to men) are descriptive enough for even a blind person to get the picture of what the ordeal is really like.

Mind you, an 8lb+ baby can do some lasting damage, even to a future queen, if it enters the world too quickly.

Those little critters have been known to drag half your pelvic floor out with them in their rush to get to your breast.

But Kate didn’t appear to be too damaged when she faced the press the following day. Not a sign of a waddle. When I had my first baby I couldn’t walk properly for about ten weeks afterwards so I’m guessing that Kate had only the very best seamstress to hand to stitch the Royal bits back together again.

So how did she do it? How did she manage to give birth in eight hours and then look so fucking fabulous a mere 24 hours later? Where were the bags under the eyes, the tears, the leaking nipples and the ‘stitches shuffle’?

I’m so glad she didn’t attempt to disguise the post-uterine swell – women around the world will be thanking her in their millions.

I remember my brother-in-law, (who taught the old man everything he knows), eyeing my bulging stomach the day after Nerd Child was born and asking me when exactly I was going to deliver my baby. Needless to say, I dissolved into a blubbering, hormonal mess.

I’ve been charging him my bills for therapy ever since.

I wonder if Kate fell for the myth of a natural birth, or if she wisely went straight for the epidural.

Stoicism during childbirth is just so ‘eighties’ now.

I had all the natural childbirth gadgets and remedies at my disposal, but I must admit that the only one to really give me the relief I needed was digging my nails into the old man’s arms as hard as possible.

I mean, WTF was spraying water on my face supposed to do when it felt like someone was shoving hot pokers up my vajayjay?

I remember the old man inadvertently spraying the water into my eyes at one point and slapping him viciously around the face  –  a much more effective form of pain relief.

The Tens machine obviously also needed to be designed with a scale higher than 10 (just saying) to take your mind off the pain; but then just stabbing sharp knives into my lower back might have been an even more effective distraction too. And I never quite understood what exactly that big ball was for, other than to entertain the old man, when all it made me want to do when I sat on it was either pee or throw it at my irritating partner.

I imagine that William was the dutiful husband and father, supporting Kate through the mire of pain, blood and foul language – I’m sure that there was more than a:

‘Gosh darling, I think it might be coming out now. Best tell the Queen.’

Well done, Kate, you’ve produced the heir, so only the ‘spare’ to go now. It looks like you’re a natural.