There is this bizarre conspiracy in Australia where middle-aged men, no matter what the size of their girth or tackle, believe they can wear Speedos in public and remain beyond reproach.
Middle-aged women on the other hand, are demonised if they dare squeeze their middle-aged frames into a bikini.
I might question the style and sanity of a tubby middle-aged man’s decision to wear a pair of Speedos, but I have no serious issue with it; what does offend me, however, is the double-standard, whereby women are picked out, shamed and publicly flogged for flaunting their bodies in public, whereas men are largely ignored.
I should point out that I also have nothing against the brand of Speedos, which I wear myself whenever I pound down the lanes of my local pool in an effort to control my wobbly bits, just as I would not be averse to marketing their wonderful products here on this blog, should the opportunity arise. They just happen to have given men the means by which they can display their beer bellies and sagging testicles in all their glory.
Below is the proof that some men look good in Speedos. And for the record, this not an ageist blog post, because even Tony Abbott – who I can commend for very little other than his obvious aversion to the middle-aged beer gut – has proven that Speedos, even on a dad-bod, can be acceptable.
Although if you’re Prime Minister, they’re still a bit ewww!
And I don’t hear the younger generations bemoaning their Dad’s choice of Speedos over the more reserved short, quite as vocally as I hear them berate women of a certain age and over a certain size for wearing bikinis in public.
For the first time in a very long time I bravely donned a bikini this year. The decision might have been borne out of my new fifty-plus ‘fuck it’ attitude, the wisdom that my child-bearing wobbly bits should be something to be proud of, or simply because it’s been a fucking hot summer, I’m menopausal and the more hot skin exposed, the greater the relief.
And I can imagine that it might be a bit of a drag (literally) for men to have to wear surf shorts when they’re swimming.
So we’re on the same side. We just need a little bit of equality here.
I’m happy to ignore the beer bellies, love handles, extra tyres and tiny, almost embarrassing tackle, if men can ignore my muffin top, saggy boobs and thighs that touch all the way down. Let’s all agree that there is no greater natural feeling than the sun on skin, and that it’s really not important what we do or don’t wear …unless we’re talking nudist beaches, which obviously brings up the problem of penises on the loose and all sorts of horrible awkwardness.
My Midlife Mayhem 
Nah, I still think there should be a permit booth for Speedos and Thongs. LOL!
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I go to my local pool 3 days a week for about 2 hours aqua aerobics and water walking. The number of men wearing speedos barely visible beneath their huge stomachs is amazing. All my swimsuits have tummy control for which I am enormously grateful. (I wish they also had ‘eating control’, but I digress). But the part that really annoys the heck out of me is the number of men who seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to ‘adjust’ themselves in front of an ‘audience’ of women and kiddies. It’s astounding. What is this thing men have about adjusting themselves in public? Doesn’t seem to matter where they are. Are they checking that ‘they’re’ still there. Do they just like touching themselves? Or are they just outright exhibitionists? I had a man try to tell me that I have no idea what I am talking about, because it can be unbearably uncomfortable at times. Fine. Go somewhere private and do something about it, not in front of the general public. He then said, as a woman, I could not even imagine what it was like. Gee, wish I’d known it was actually perfectly acceptable to adjust that menstrual pad when it was hurting, A whole new world might have opened up for me.
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In America men are shamed far more than women if they dont wear big, billowy shorts. Women can wear whatever they want, unless they are a fat pig. If there is any double standard its against men, just watch any Hollywood movie and the mantra is “women can do whatever they want, men dont matter”
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I’m going to come back to you on this, Dave…
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I’m also American and can confirm what Dave has said. Men here are expected to swim in what amounts to the male version of a burkha, and they risk public ridicule if they don’t. While women can wear whatever they want—and if anyone dares to say that a fat woman doesn’t look so great in a bikini is called a hateful misogynist..
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As usual I think manosphere ‘d rather shame men not conforming to gender norms, showing ankle etc in order to have an excuse to shame women and feminism because “see, men are shamed too, why can’t we shame landwhales”. It’s some women but mainly male that shame men calling them fags if they don’t conform, it’s a mysogynist and misandrist myth that men just care to fuck and don’t look at subtle details and could care less what women and especially men wear.
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I’m in total agreement with tom and dave that men are ridiculed just as much.. if not more!
I’ve lost a fair amount of weight and gotten in fairly descent shape where I would love to go out wearing a Speedo. However, friends of ours and even my wife scoffs when I merely mention the idea of wearing a anything less than board shorts. They all think that Im joking and that nobody should be caught dead wearing things like that.
Why not? I see women ALL of the time at my local pool and beach wearing bikinis that are getting smaller and smaller. The women may talk among themselves — clearly out of envy and jealousy — but no one will ever say a word to that person.
However, if a man is spotted wearing a smaller-than-board-shorts outfit, you can literally hear the record needle scratching off as people stop to stare. Other men will, at least joke, if not flat out ridicule. Most women I know will treat the guy like a toxic mess and run the other direction.
Why are we ashamed of the male figure? Are we all puritans still?????
…And don’t even get me started on the “Dad-Bod” fad…
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Good to hear the perspective from the other side, and you’re right, why the hell shouldn’t you? I’m a fervent believer in equality.
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I wear shorts above the knee and sandals, in summer, both for comfort and because I feel it’s flattering and like the look of it as a style choice, but guess who’s gonna call me a soyboy, feminists or the manosphere ;)?
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As an owner of a verifiable “little button mushroom” as someone so eloquently put it, I haven’t worn a speedo since I realised there’s no speedo so tight as to not look like it’s too loose on my front.
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