The Naughty List And Outsourcing Parenting At Christmas

Anyway, according to my hairdresser, who planted the grapevine and is obviously the fount of all knowledge around here, there are now several Christmas apps where parents/kids can connect with Santa before Christmas. You input all your kid’s information into your phone – nickname, age, shoe size etc – so that Facebook nets all their personal details really early on in their life – and then when your child misbehaves, you call Santa to reprimand aforementioned embarrassment to kid-kind and pray he adds them to his naughty list.

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I just can’t understand where this increase in anxiety in our kids has come from, can you?

 

I suspect that this is another example of outsourcing parenting, and call me old-fashioned, but imagine you’re four or five years old and naive AF – because the reality of the world hasn’t set in yet, you still live through your imagination, and your Mum has yet to dress the Christmas Tree when you’re out – and in the lead up to THE biggest and most exciting event of the year, Santa puts you in the doghouse.

 

Worse – this strange man is going to be in your room in a few weeks time!

 

I thought Christmas was one of those sacrosanct, untouchable festivities – like birthdays – that you couldn’t mess with, not even to teach your feral kids a life lesson. Because…PTSD.

 

Every parent has lost the plot in these awful weeks leading to Christmas. In desperation, we’ve all lobbed cruel, empty threats about Santa filling their stocking with coal or vegetables – but a REAL FUCKING PHONE CALL from the big man himself? Seriously? That’s got to be ten on a scale of one to ten of terrifying that makes the scary man you know is hiding under your bed laughable and ensures that you’ll never be alone in your bedroom again – and certainly not on Christmas Eve.

 

It also makes Santa, Bad Cop, and as there are so few symbols of peace, love, and generosity left to cling to these days, I think that’s kind of sad.

 

Personally, I prefer the gentler approach of an idea I saw on Facebook, where you wrap empty boxes, put them under the tree and each time your kid misbehaves, you throw one into the fire.