The Brazilian Conspiracy

I’ve always believed that there’s enough unwanted hair on women’s bodies to deal with at this stage of our lives, without us having to go through the pain and cost of getting our fannies waxed every few weeks. 

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I think SOME body hair is attractive

 

 

I reckon I could start a profitable business in wigs if I have to shave down there as well.

 

But from what I’m led to believe on Social Media, those of us who prefer the kempt garden as opposed to the shiny limestone courtyard are now in the minority, so I’m getting a bit of a complex in the communal showers at the pool.

 

When did this Brazilian conspiracy happen? When did we move from the hirsute Chewbacca look of the seventies to Gollum, without me taking on board that my thatch is now deemed demode.

 

To be honest, I’d assumed that the rise of the Brazilian was a phase, something silly that Gen Y did – not some new beauty expectation of all of western womankind.

 

And those women that do it, insist they do it because they prefer it, (which I find hard to believe when it’s akin to tortures developed in Guantanamo Bay), and nothing to do with the preferences of their partners as some of us more skeptical feminists suspect.

 

I get that the invention of barely-there briefs and g-strings makes it harder to contain those rogue pubes. Which is why I’m all for some DIY landscaping – and not for the old man’s benefit I hasten to add, but because I’m a swimmer and errant pubes might affect my speeds.

 

But getting rid of the whole shebang? It’s just not right.

 

I’m reading Caitlin Moran’s book ‘How To Be A Woman’ at the moment – not for the pelvic-floor-challenged amongst us, I hasten to add, because it’s wet-your-pants, laugh-out-loud, OUTRAGEOUSLY funny – and she’s in agreement with me on this topic. The hair ‘down below’ serves practical, biological purposes and shouldn’t be messed with to appease the fantasies of men who think they know everything about sex from watching porn.

 

Her innovative take on life is that there are four things every woman should have and one of them, is what she prosaically describes as a ‘…a proper muff. A big, hairy minge. A lovely furry moof that looks – when she sits naked- as if she has a marmoset sitting in her lap. A tame marmoset, that she can send off to pickpocket things, should she so need it – like that trained monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark.’

 

Moran goes on to discuss how we are living in an era of ‘pube disapproval’ and questions how we got here.

 

Because if I have to groom the dog, surely these days of equality demand that the old man go ‘metro’ and wax his tackle too? (gags). It might give him some definition – not that one wants to turn up the spotlights on the penis, which requires some natural shade to hide its fugliness.

 

To be fair, though, I can’t imagine that the fully exposed, ageing female vulva could ever be deemed a model of great beauty.

Sadly, The Bush Is Not Back

 

Sadly, The Bush Is Not Back
Bikinikine by Hagerstenguy at http://www.flickr.com

 

Ladies,

 

It is with much personal sadness that I must report that…

 

THE BUSH IS NOT BACK!  

 

I’m as upset as you are. Don’t you hate the way the magazines play with us like that? One day it’s in, the next day it’s not…

 

Quite a few of the women’s magazines were responsible for raising our hopes, insinuating that the bush would be making a comeback in 2014. And the signs were good. Both Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow admitted to preferring a bit of cover in the lady garden, proving our dedication to a more organic way of living.

 

I can go as organic as Gwyneth if it means keeping my bush.

 

There were articles like this one:

 

The Full Waxed Look Is Out, The Bush Is Back 

 

And not forgetting, of course, that European women have always been allowed to cultivate their body hair, (which includes a healthy muff).

 

But although Bush enthusiasts may harp on about the hygiene and safety reasons for leaving hair down there, according to MY source, there are still a lot of women depilating, and my source continues to wax more fannies than eat hot dinners.

 

Which is very sad news. Although we can find some consolation in the short term in that as we head towards winter we have that wonderful window of opportunity to let the bush off the leash for a few, precious months.

 

You can probably guess on which side I part my bush.

 

According to my source, (who prefers not to be named), once you have a Brazilian you never go back.

 

‘Go back for another?’ I asked Sue innocently.

 

No – apparently there are two reasons why women choose a bare fanny over the bush, and it has nothing to do with men. The first is the sensation and the second is that (apparently) once you have waxed down below for a while, it can grow back all patchy and fugly-like.

 

Cameron Diaz
Cameron Diaz (Photo credit: EyesOnFire89)

Of course it’s not in Sue’s interest to downplay the role of the Brazilian. Exposing the vulva is her bread and butter, after all. 

 

I tried a home ‘landscape’ once with some cheap wax strips around my bikini line and the pain was SO intense that labour felt like a walk in the park afterwards. If one of those ‘nailed it’ photos existed of my upper thighs after I had removed my epidermis, it would appear that they had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

 

Which is why I got a tad excited at the prospect of going completely au naturel, perhaps a messy bun on either side.

 

Because hair removal becomes a full-time job over-forty.

 

BRING BACK THE BUSH!

 

Are you with me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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To Have A Brazilian Or Not To Have A Brazilian? That Is The Question.

‪Norsk (bokmål)‬: Bikini lines ved brasilian...
‪Norsk (bokmål)‬: Bikini lines ved brasiliansk voksing Deutsch: Bikini lines, Brazilian waxing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I’ve found myself doing more than just swimming at the local pool recently. I’ve begun furtively checking out women’s pubic areas in the public showers.

This activity is not linked to any latent lesbian tendencies. It’s strictly all in the name of research. Obviously.

To be honest, it’s been a while since I did any exercise saw other women’s naked bodies; most of the women I know don’t celebrate the aesthetics of their bodies after the  effects of babies, like they used to when they were in their twenties and thirties.

But when Nerd Child makes a statement assuring me that most of her generation of girls have Brazilians down below, I felt it was necessary to check out the trend for styling down there myself. I like to think of myself as always being one step ahead of fashion.

Call me a fuddy-duddy, but for a woman of my generation (ie. ancient), the decision to have a Brazilian begs the question why?

It’s almost like there is a pressure on young women in their twenties and thirties to conform to ‘the Sphinx’, and I’m wondering where that social pressure emanates from. Call me old-fashioned but when I think of waxing, (especially down below), I can only think of itchiness, sore redness, ingrown hairs and OUCH!

So is Generation Y epilating their pubic region to appeal to the fantasies of their sexual partners, or is it a form of self-expression, for cultural reasons, emancipation or some delusion about it being more hygienic.

I have it on good authority from a prominent scientist, (Nerd Child), that vaginal hair is there for a reason – for reasons of pheronomes during sexual intercourse, or for protection of the ‘bits’ (rather like nasal hair), to prevent infection.

I’m a great believer in the philosophy of being happy with whatever God gave us and if pubic hair wasn’t meant to be there, why the fuck is it? And don’t give me the old ‘appendix’ argument.

I have been reassured by my shower investigations, although in all honesty my research only truly extends to the 30-50 age range (who can swim from 9am in the morning), and therefore is limited in its findings.

It appears that women in that age group are quite comfortable sporting a layer of fine lawn, that obviously gets strimmed once overgrown. Some have more, some have a little less, but I have yet to spot a ‘terrace’ in the communal showers of my pool.

When Nerd Child and I were discussing my research at the dinner table the other day, the old man (who normally glazes over when my blog is mentioned), suddenly perked up at the mention of women together and naked in a shower, and we had to give him a quick lesson on epilation of the female nether regions.

We carefully explained the difference between a Brazilian and a Landing Strip and even moved on to manscaping, something he was less comfortable discussing.

His comment of ‘so Mum must have a landing strip with terminals 1, 2 and 3?’ demonstrated his complete lack of maturity when we try to talk to treat him like a grown up.