Rule No. 1 Of Feminism: Never Bleat About How Hard It Is To Have It All, When Fighting To Have It All

Maternity-Work-SuitsIt appears to be the fate of women in search of equality that we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. And that’s why I loved Serena William’s honest proclamation in her speech after losing the Wimbledon final.

“To all the mums out there, I was playing for you today,” she said.

The comment was not an excuse for her performance, rather a galling admission that I suspect many sportswomen and professional women at the top of their game will identify with. Because to be at the top of your game is a choice for many women.

Anyone that has ever watched the iron-will of the formidable tennis player will know how much Serena must have hated to lose that match. But to me, what she said was what most of us know to be true in the fight for equality – and it’s something that I have been reminded of many times by men – that we can’t have our cake and eat it.

We can’t bleat about how hard it is to have it all when fighting to have it all.

I know how hard it is to hold down a job as a mum with no extended family support; and particularly as the mum of a kid with additional needs. Only the other morning, after a terrible night with the boy, the old man said to me, “Imagine if we had to hold down proper jobs?” as we rubbed the sleep out of our eyes. Our son is twenty-one.

Fortunately, both of us work from home, where a sneaky catch-up nap after lunch is an option. But for most working women, a sneaky nap isn’t an option. Sleep or no sleep, many are expected to get up during the night, care for sick children, prepare packed lunches and clean uniform, sign off school notes, monitor homework and do drop-offs, and then put in a full day’s work as a convincing professional.

And it’s hard. And don’t misunderstand me, I’m not negating the hard work that men put in to provide for their families and the support that many men demonstrate towards their partner’s return to work, yet I suspect that many are unaware of the way women’s achievements are held up for review and scrutinized in comparison to theirs, once they become mothers.

I wonder how many men have been on the receiving end of the tut of impatience from an unempathetic boss when they’ve had to leave early to collect a sick child from school? Those same people that were incubated and nurtured by women, many of whom have endured huge physiological changes from childbirth, the debilitating toll (in many cases) of a decade’s lack of sleep, and who sometimes faced genuine financial fears when they found themselves on their own, having sacrificed their earnings to be the primary carer – for them.

The type of sacrifice that some days may indeed affect the game of those women.

 

5 thoughts on “Rule No. 1 Of Feminism: Never Bleat About How Hard It Is To Have It All, When Fighting To Have It All

  1. I’m 58 years old and have lived my life as a feminist…still have the first copy of Ms. magazine! I had my only, a daughter, when I was 37. To my surprise, I chose to step down from a high level job after only a couple of months back. I did not believe myself to be less of a feminist when I assumed the role of stay at home mom. I wrote about my choice in the post No Regrets. My daughter is now in college…President’s List grades and two jobs and I’m pursuing my interests. I think your post was right on!

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  2. Choosing to be a stay at home mum is a privilege not everyone may have but for some it may be a necessity. Whatever, or however, a woman comes to make this choice, it is never easy and being a full time, full on Mum is hard work. Working mothers have to juggle many balls, that goes without saying, but society should recognise the important role that a stay at home mum fulfills, maybe then more Mums could make this important choice without feeling less of a feminist, less equal to their partners and less equal to their working sisters. What can be more powerful than women nurturing and raising the next generations? For me, feminism is not only equality but celebrating the amazing things we do as women.

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    1. Absolutely! It is about having choices, and having done both at different stages – worked as a mother and professionally – I fully agree that the job of a working mother is undermined. Thanks for your comment!

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