It is always a shock to hear about the death or illness of celebrities around our own age. While I don’t believe that their lives are more special than mine, it can be hard not to secretly suspect that their barbeque areas aren’t paved with gold.
Which was why the passing of Emma Chambers at 53 and Stephen Fry’s cancer diagnosis were all the more shocking this week. Without meaning to give them god-like status, it’s easy to assume that these people are untouchable, for no other reason than they have the money to pay their way out of death.
Not true, sadly.
I don’t know Emma and Stephen personally, but the gifts of the arts and culture are their reach and the poignant way they touch our souls. The works of these two, in particular, have resonated with me on different levels: I have followed Fry’s struggles with depression and tested my stress incontinence several times watching Emma in Notting Hill and The Vicar of Dibley.
Emma was 53, Stephen is 60 – similar in age to myself – a make or break period where the poor decisions of youth and bad genes can start to catch up. I’m not afraid to admit that I get a bit scared when I look back at all the cigarettes I rolled in my twenties.
Worse, I know from experience that death is forgotten, quicker than any of us would like. Not because of our shallowness or callousness, but because of its inevitability, because of the prolonged pain from dwelling upon it, the busy-ness of life and the salient reminder to squeeze every last drop out of it.
So I’ve decided that I want to die from a long illness – words I imagine I will eat should my fate work out that way – and in spite of the inevitable pain and suffering that decision will cause to my others and myself. I want the luxury of being able to say my goodbyes, and in a perverse way, I want to feel spoiled during my last moments. I want everyone to focus on me for once, and the role I played in their lives. I don’t care if there’s a wake or a party – I’ll be dead anyway.
Thanks for the laughs, Emma. Good luck, Stephen.
Family and friends: FYI, I don’t like grapes, but weirdly I am quite partial to wine.
My Midlife Mayhem 
I like this post and want to respond to a few points you make here. For the record, I’m 50+ and agree that this is the decade in which the bad habits of your youth come back to bite you in the ass, but you can make changes in your lifestyle to reverse or delay serious consequences. Diet and exercise, therapy, meditation, etc. are all tools we can use.
I just lost my mother after a long illness, and believe me, you don’t want that, ever. There are few illnesses that allow you long-term pain-free, coherent periods of reflection. Long-term illnesses most likely mean pain or painful treatment, long-term discomfort, and trauma for your loved ones who have to witness this or help take care of you. Of course, we never know what the future has in store. Love those close to you fully while you’re healthy and try not to leave anything unsaid or undone.
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Good point. I guess our close ones should know we love them already if we suddenly pop off.
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I lost my dad last year, a common enough occurrence for those of us in midlife but it was brutal. Tickle annoying cough, doing Thai chi in the garden and regularly running 10k to 12 weeks later and completely unrecognisable. I take comfort in the fact that he knew he was loved before he didn’t know much of anything. And that he will be forever vital and curious and kind and annoying in my heart. There’s no right or wrong way to go. The loss and pain is the same for those of us left to miss you x however he never regretted a single thing he had done. Not all the cigs he smoked during his twenties or drinks or dancing till dawn. He did however regret some of the things he ran out of time “to do!”. So live every day like it’s the last one left… thoughtful post thank you x
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My thoughts exactly. Thank you for putting them so beautifully.
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Same, all those packets of cigarettes, lack of sunscreen. Scared as hell.
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May as well carry on being stupid.
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