Do you, like me, ever look in the mirror and secretly wish you were larger? Are you disappointed when you can pinch less than an inch, or can’t find clothes that fit because you’re too small? Do you furtively watch other women on the beach flaunting their curves and muffin tops, and imagine yourself in their body?
Well, look no further, because I’ve discovered the secret to helping you look your best yet. All you need for this diet to work is to be peri/menopausal, a serious food junkie and a functioning alcoholic with a positive outlook, then you too can have the stereotype of the fuller, ‘real’, middle-aged body.
It’s simple. Want to know how I did gained 4kg in ONE year? That’s right, ONE year…
Holidays – the more the better, because…BUFFET BREAKFAST! We all know how easy it is to eat on holidays and pile on the pounds. Somehow it’s so much easier to forget food discipline when the sun is shining and you can hide your figure in a kaftan. Holidays gives you that free pass to eat as much as you can because you’ve worked hard all year and earned it, and as scientists have proven, our mindset changes when we see an ice cream parlour or a cocktail bar in a relaxed environment and there is no-one we know to judge us.
Menopause – Thank God that our bodies think of us and protect us at what could be a difficult time of our lives, and one of the hardest transition periods of the ageing process for women. But ladies, I’m here to tell you that Menopause is our friend, proven by the way it increases our appetite to make us feel mentally stronger and better about ourselves, as well as laying down extra fatty tissue to protect our bones so we are physically stronger as well.
Chips n’dips, is what we call them here in Oz. I’m talking serial snacking, preferably right before meals as well as mid-morning and mid-afternoon. I like to play the mind fuck on myself of eating healthy-looking, natural, savoury snacks such as hummus and peanut butter; foods that have the appearance of being low in calories…but aren’t. Fuck yeah!
Meditation, or what I like to call ‘mind over matter.’ I use the power of the mind to think about food and weight control in a different way now. Obviously, I continue to count calories, but I use a reverse psychology in this diet where I have to think about how many I can gain. Scientists may remain uncertain about the true benefits of sugar consumption, but what we do know is that it makes us feel f..cking good.
Alcohol – the jury is still out about how much alcohol is safe to consume, so I’ve decided to empower myself, say ‘fuck to science’ and am now running my own in-house experiment.
Exercise – step away from the gym because the gym is not your friend. Exercise turns fat into muscle, makes you drink loads of water (which fills you up) and worse, makes you incredibly boring. Have you noticed the reaction of your friends’ to your tales of work outs, new gym equipment and yoga? Try mentioning that Amaretto ricotta cheesecake with white chocolate shards you baked recently and ate in one sitting and notice the difference in the number of new FB friend requests.
The best part about my diet is that anyone can do it. I don’t know anyone of our age who didn’t eat what they want without putting on weight. I grew tired of being disappointed whenever I got on the scales and hadn’t gained a single kilo, no matter how much I ate or drank, and that pushed me to make these crucial changes to my lifestyle.
One day I woke up and simply refused to be that skinny, disempowered woman any more, who was happy to lie back and accept that she would never gain weight or reach her ‘real’ potential.
I did something about it and proved everyone wrong. Will you!