The Brazilian Conspiracy

I’ve always believed that there’s enough unwanted hair on women’s bodies to deal with at this stage of our lives, without us having to go through the pain and cost of getting our fannies waxed every few weeks. 

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I think SOME body hair is attractive

 

 

I reckon I could start a profitable business in wigs if I have to shave down there as well.

 

But from what I’m led to believe on Social Media, those of us who prefer the kempt garden as opposed to the shiny limestone courtyard are now in the minority, so I’m getting a bit of a complex in the communal showers at the pool.

 

When did this Brazilian conspiracy happen? When did we move from the hirsute Chewbacca look of the seventies to Gollum, without me taking on board that my thatch is now deemed demode.

 

To be honest, I’d assumed that the rise of the Brazilian was a phase, something silly that Gen Y did – not some new beauty expectation of all of western womankind.

 

And those women that do it, insist they do it because they prefer it, (which I find hard to believe when it’s akin to tortures developed in Guantanamo Bay), and nothing to do with the preferences of their partners as some of us more skeptical feminists suspect.

 

I get that the invention of barely-there briefs and g-strings makes it harder to contain those rogue pubes. Which is why I’m all for some DIY landscaping – and not for the old man’s benefit I hasten to add, but because I’m a swimmer and errant pubes might affect my speeds.

 

But getting rid of the whole shebang? It’s just not right.

 

I’m reading Caitlin Moran’s book ‘How To Be A Woman’ at the moment – not for the pelvic-floor-challenged amongst us, I hasten to add, because it’s wet-your-pants, laugh-out-loud, OUTRAGEOUSLY funny – and she’s in agreement with me on this topic. The hair ‘down below’ serves practical, biological purposes and shouldn’t be messed with to appease the fantasies of men who think they know everything about sex from watching porn.

 

Her innovative take on life is that there are four things every woman should have and one of them, is what she prosaically describes as a ‘…a proper muff. A big, hairy minge. A lovely furry moof that looks – when she sits naked- as if she has a marmoset sitting in her lap. A tame marmoset, that she can send off to pickpocket things, should she so need it – like that trained monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark.’

 

Moran goes on to discuss how we are living in an era of ‘pube disapproval’ and questions how we got here.

 

Because if I have to groom the dog, surely these days of equality demand that the old man go ‘metro’ and wax his tackle too? (gags). It might give him some definition – not that one wants to turn up the spotlights on the penis, which requires some natural shade to hide its fugliness.

 

To be fair, though, I can’t imagine that the fully exposed, ageing female vulva could ever be deemed a model of great beauty.

7 thoughts on “The Brazilian Conspiracy

  1. From what I understand, the underlying reason why men like Brazilians is because they really want you to look like a pre-pubescent little girl. Ewwwww. I deliberately would never have one on that score alone. i firmly believe that nature put hair there for a good reason and although I haven’t figured out what the reason is yet, I ain’t doin’ nothin; to it. By the way, as you age, it thins. My underarm hair has completely disappeared. Who knew? Score.

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  2. Here is my take on this:
    If you’re under 30 you probably have not seen women with bushy pubes. The linoleum floor look started in the late 80’s. Maybe it’s connected to the big hair bands going out of fashion. But I suspect one asshole lady shaved it all off and ruined it for the rest of us. If you’re nostalgic for the carefree days when you could donate your frizz to Locks of Love, you’re middle aged.

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  3. Too funny! This made me laugh out loud…I am a single middle aged mother, and therefore (when I’m brave enough) I date, and that question has become the norm within 10 minutes of polite conversation. No, I do not have a shaven haven, and I have no intentions of doing so! Those days are loooong gone! Brilliant post x

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      1. Actually I’ve asked that question, and apparently the ones who do keep doing it because it makes them look longer! Hey pal, it’s not the length of the nail, it’s the strength of the hammer that’s driving it in that counts!

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