- Broke off my love affair with Zara this week when my body outrightly refused to get into their size 12.
- Discovered that the serious chink in the old man’s domestic cleaning armour is DUSTING. Training begins this week.
- Another arrow straight to the heart of my sinking female self-esteem this week when Kurt told me to ‘sort my tache out’, LOUDLY, on the train.
- Due to another of El Nino’s mood swings – which is some super-important weather front that even the meteorologists don’t truly understand – we’re in for a long hot summer here in Australia. So get ahead of the pack, my menopausal sisterhood, and BUY YOUR FANS NOW, before you end up massacring someone over the last one left in Bunnings.
- Promptly ordered myself a new bikini online. Yes, I said ‘bikini’, and no, I haven’t tried it on. *Living dangerously*
Still working out who exactly Kayne was on The Bachelorette, but stoked Crazy Davey bowed out leaving the way clearer for Alex to reach the finish line.
- It’s getting humid as fuck at night here now so safe to assume weight loss will come from hot flashes for the next few months?
- Finally conned found someone to go and see Stephen Fry with me in November. So I might have bent the truth a little when I told Kurt that it’s stand-up rather than the actor’s experiences with Bi-Polar Disorder...
- Kim K hates being pregnant. *violins*
- The old man bought a new iPhone 6s with the household budget set aside for my new dining table *spitting* and found that he can still make telephone calls, text and take photos with it. *Hope it was worth it.*
- Another diner moans about a screaming baby in a restaurant and is crucified for political incorrectness. Another woman leaves her newborn for a night out and is accused of being a bad mother.
- Scarborough wine has yet to approach me to become a brand ambassador in spite of keeping them in business for the past ten years. *What are they thinking?*
- Sydney jumped to the naive conclusion AGAIN this week that one Moslem’s actions are representative of the majority.
- Thought about buying a Fitbit; realized you probably have to exercise.
Macarons remain one of the biggest disappointments of my life so far. *children excluded.*
- My 10k walk on Friday burned 1000 calories. SCARBOROUGH FUCKING WINE earned =ten glasses.
- Renewed my love affair with the dumplings (the Asian culinary equivalent of cunnilingus) at Din Tai Fung at the Sydney Noodle Markets.
- Being able to stop at five rice crackers with a vat of hummus remains a life goal.
- Boo, hiss, the Aussies got through to the next stage of The Rugby World Cup, which means the invasion of my FB homepage by sports news and commentary continues to plague me and inertia on the sofa for the old man again this week.
- Turns out I am the only person in the world not to see Justin Bieber’s enormous penis online, and not for want of trying. For an embarrassing, middle-aged technophobe, learned how to delete the history on my computer pretty bloody quickly.
How was your week?