It was uncharacteristically magnanimous of the old man to allow me to abuse the credit card at Pitt St Mall yesterday.
It felt strangely odd to be actually GIVEN PERMISSION to spend, although equally as enjoyable as my usual furtive credit card abuse.
I’m sure he had his reasons and his moment of generosity had absolutely nothing to do with his guilt at not producing EVEN A FUCKING CARD for our anniversary – apparently, a loving text is enough – nor was it an attempt to pay me off and guarantee a quiet Saturday afternoon in front of the golf on television.
Whatever the old man’s reasons, yesterday afternoon’s shopping experience cemented that buying clothes as a middle-aged woman, (and one who is still in the process of slowly adjusting to a new body shape and style), can be a torturous experience and one that doesn’t always meet expectation.
Although don’t get me wrong – even though I might struggle to find the brands that suit my ‘old-in-body yet young-in-spirit frame’ these days, I still FUCKING LURVE a good shop.
Which is something men will never understand.
These are my latest clothes shopping tips for middle-aged women:
- Sexy lingerie is uncomfortable now that our bits have been rearranged from childbirth. Be honest, you WANT to wear granny knickers most of the time now because the discomfort imposed by all those itsy-bitsy, up your crack smaller styles like boy briefs and bikinis make my vagina quiver with fear. Go for it!
- Middle-aged feet are irresistibly drawn to flat shoes for comfort and to protect our backs for the future – stop resisting and suck it up.
- Those stretchy, clingy fabric brands, which you are supposed to layer to make you look even more fucking HUGE, (and which I had pinned all my hopes on to flatter my new ‘curves and edges’), are not your friend.
- Either I’m shrinking or trousers are designed for Amazonian woman these days – Stick to leggings no matter how bad a fashion rap they get.
- I sobbed in those shops that showcase those cute and classic 50’s style office dresses that are simply not designed with middle-aged women in mind, or in fact for anyone with a bigger bust than a developing teenager. There’s not even enough room for my strained teabag B cup breasts, let alone real mama jugs. And as for packing the muffin top in those tailored waistbands – SO not happening. Go for the shift!
- Hems are getting shorter, which is fabulous when you’re young and nubile with legs up to your armpits, but not quite so hot on orange peel thighs or for those of us who don’t want to flash our granny kaks each time we bend over. Footless tights are your friend now.
- Your new safety zones in the mall include accessory stores, homeware shops and the ladies bathroom now.
- Shoes, scarves and handbags are not ageist or sizeist and can still provide an excellent form of retail therapy to the serious middle aged shopper in need of a fix.
- Your new shopping comfort zones are those yummy specialty macaron shops or frankly anywhere that sells coffee and has an all-day license.