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Housing

 

  1. Although an oven may state that it is ‘self-cleaning’, that’s a lie! It does not self-clean as you use it, so allow three days for cleaning deeply engrained brown shit.
  2. Do not assume that removalists possess any spatial awareness or can see even those walls directly in front of them.
  3. Be careful not to pack important items such as house keys, tampons and bin bags and remember where you pack basic survival stuff such as daily medication, clean knickers, remote controls and wine.
  4. If your husband is as useful as an empty wine glass, don’t give him a set of keys.
  5. Dogs with weak bladders and anxiety issues are not helpful in a house move.
  6. Nor are teenagers unless you can blackmail them – luckily, you always can.
  7. Never assume that removalists have any fucking idea about how much they can fit into their truck.
  8. When you do that rough guesstimate of the number of packing boxes you will need (which seems unimportant in the first excited flush of moving), double it.
  9. Keep the removalists on leads so they do not sneak off once you have paid them without a) plumbing in the washing machine b) putting your bed together properly c) returning that precious set of allen keys you will need to put together the IKEA bed they forgot to erect and d) paying you cash for any damage they have caused.
  10. Never assume that a removalist can distinguish between precious and semi-precious items or comprehend that they shouldn’t use a piece of painted furniture as a step ladder or a prized trophy as a door wedge.
  11. Remember that the words ‘fragile’ and ‘this way up’ might as well be in Swahili for all the notice removalists take of them.
  12. Try to maintain your humor as you watch the removalist smash your dining table into the wall of your new building, take a massive chunk of plaster out of a just-decorated communal wall it in front of your new concierge and still deny it vigorously.
    This image shows a red wine glass.
  13. Never assume that your agent sees hot water as as much of a fundamental commodity as you do.
  14. Apparently, lack of Internet connection is not a life-threatening issue to Optus, just a first world problem. Who knew?

 

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