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Dear George,

 

English: President Barack Obama discusses the ...

English: President Barack Obama discusses the situation in Sudan with actor George Clooney during a meeting outside the Oval Office, Oct. 12, 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I read about your news in the papers today and was disappointed that you couldn’t find it in your heart to tell me yourself.

 

I thought that we were just ‘taking some time out’ while ‘we worked through a few issues’.

 

May I remind you that every time I proposed on each of those Valentines Days you swore that you were not the marrying type and didn’t want children.

 

I know we still had a few things to work out and I WAS just about to enrol on that humans rights course. Honest.

 

The pig was an issue, admittedly. I did try my best to bond with it but I’ve never been particularly good with animals and your insistence on having her in the bed with us was kind of gross.

 

And I shouldn’t have knocked your friends. Brad’s alright once you get to know him and Angelina can be quite fun when she leaves the Brady Bunch at home, but you’ve got to admit that Matt can be a bit immature.

 

To be honest, I was surprised that you ended up with someone, (how shall I put it?) so intelligent – A Human Rights barrister! WTF!

English: A US Mars bar that has been split in ...

English: A US Mars bar that has been split in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Not really your type, though, is it?

 

I bet she isn’t as good at the Mars Bar game as I was.

 

To be honest, the whole relationship sounds a little reminiscent of ‘Bridget Jones’ for my liking, but I suppose that if you’ve finally found your Darcy, I should wish you well.

 

I did know you were keen on your politics and obviously enjoyed roughing it in Sudan, but I honestly put that phase down to a midlife crisis. It WAS nice to get the opportunity to meet Obama (or was that Osama?), but frankly I always found it quite hard talking to those people.

 

But I was also aware that all that adulation from middle-aged women never sat well with you, George. Even the grey hair couldn’t keep us them at bay, could it? The problem was, none of them realised that underneath you weren’t anything like your character Dr Ross in ER, did they Doug?

 

They didn’t know that you were a thinker and an activist and needed much more than a tight ass to keep you happy. Although you tried a few of those too.

 

Well, I hope that you and Amal Alamuddin will be very happy.

 

Did I mention that my maiden name is an alliteration too…it was Louisa Lown….and that I’m British…. and I also speak French. I didn’t go to Oxford university, but I was very happy at Aberystwyth.

 

xxx

 

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