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Ever imagine what a hacker could find out about you if they trawled through the Google searches on your computer?

Google Chrome

Google Chrome (Photo credit: thms.nl)

It’s the stuff of nightmares.

I rely on Google for absolutely everything, from research for my writing and finding the answers to Kurt’s homework, to checking the weather for Christmas Day and product reviews.

But where Google comes in the most handy for me as a diagnosed hypochondriac is as my personal doctor. If I didn’t have Dr Google, it’s safe to say that I’d reach the Medicare threshold by the end of January.

Apparently, more than 50% of adults self-diagnose with Dr Google before seeking reassurance from their GP – and, reassuringly, not all of us get the diagnosis wrong.

However, recently I have begun to suspect that Dr Google may not be too good for my over-anxious mental health.

English: An anxious person

It’s understandable that as we reach middle age, worries about our health are exacerbated as our health begins to deteriorate, our body parts droop and fall off and our brain becomes overloaded far more easily than it did in our youth. And many of these physiological changes can be quite alarming.

But it seems to me that no matter what symptoms I type into Dr Google’s little search box, he will always take me on a journey that typically ends with some grisly terminal disease or cancer.

So I thought I’d share with you some of my favourite medical searches from our family history of Googling the good doctor, and the sort of responses I have come to expect:

  • Why do my calves ache all the time? Have you exercised for the first time this year and did you remember to warm up first? If this does not apply to you, you may be in stage 1 of CALF CANCER?
  • I’m thirsty all the time – what are the symptoms of Diabetes? How much alcohol did you consume last night and is it possible you could be dehydrated? Excessive thirst is indeed one of the main symptoms of Diabetes so if you didn’t get shitfaced last night, get yourself down to your GP, pronto, before you LOSE BOTH LEGS.
  • I get colds all the time – what’s wrong with me? If you’re lucky, you may just need some vitamins or a more balanced diet to help fight those nasty viruses that lurk around at this time of the year. Then again, it could be that your immune system is struggling, which is often a sign of FULL-BLOWN AIDS.
  • My urine has a strange red hue to it – should I be worried? Did you eat beetroot last night, because this can cause your urine to become discolored? Otherwise, it’s probably BLADDER CANCER.
  • I get headaches all the time, especially after working on the computer. Start with getting your eyes tested and if that doesn’t explain your headaches, say your goodbyes because you probably have a BRAIN TUMOUR.
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