20 Ways To Get Back At Your Teenagers

After extensive experience, I have come to the conclusion that much like oil and water, Kurt and school do not mix.

Singer Britney Spears was one of the best sell...
Singer Britney Spears was one of the best selling female performers of the 2000s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Much of my time this week has been spent brown-nosing to school officials, inventing new punishments for my son (that will never work), consulting every ADHD manual ever written and perfecting a withering look of disappointment that I lob in my son’s direction at every opportunity I get.

And drinking crying.

(And I get a lot of those opportunities to give him THAT look, now that the school has insisted that HIS school holidays  are to commence earlier than those of the rest of the school).

I have found some solace, however, in the (some might call it ‘psychotic’) nocturnal pleasure of developing ways in which I can hatch my revenge, (lawfully), during the following eight weeks of school holiday hell.

So here are my tips on how you too can exact revenge on your teenagers, without actually averting them to your foul play.

  • Turn all the taps on in the house during their daily 30 minute shower ritual.
  • Remove all loose change from your purse.
  • Tag them on Facebook in those especially awkward family photos. Add photos of them as small children on the potty, naked, with braces and un-dyed hair.
  • Meet them at the school gates occasionally, saying ‘you just happened to be in the area.’
  • Alert the parents of their friends when your child sleeps over that your child may have a bedwetting problem.
  • Discuss with their friends the problems your child has with relationships, your concerns about their skin problems and that you suspect your child might be gay. Then tell them how your child still gets into bed with you in the morning and suffers from obvious attachment issues.
  • Get the family photo albums out with their friends.
  • Abandon your teenager just as the cashier is about to serve you at the supermarket while you run to find something you forgot and leave them there to fend for themselves.
  • Refuse to pick them up after 9pm in the evening so they have to walk up that hill or (GOD FORBID), suffer the indignity of public transport.
  • When they are grounded, tell their friends that it is because they have been naughty.
  • Turn off the home Wifi at 10pm.
  • Change the password to Foxtel movies daily.
  • Snapchat your teens photos of yourself getting dressed.
  • Wear low-cut, short Britney Spears-style dresses to their school parents evening.
  • Call them their pet names such as ‘Bunny’ and ‘Sweetpea’ in front of their friends and teachers.
  • Use teen slang with their friends – this is even more effective if it is used in the wrong context.
  • Pretend you and their father are locking your bedroom door on Sunday afternoon to go and have ‘special’ time.
  • Discuss the facts of life and sexual positions with them in great detail, using yourself and their father as an example.
  • Play Disney songs in the car when their friends are there.
  • Leave a selection of porn DVDs and sex toys out in a very visible place in your bedroom.

6 thoughts on “20 Ways To Get Back At Your Teenagers

  1. You made me smile. Our youngest son and school didn’t mix well either. I was to the point, if ONE more teacher, or administrator made me feel as if I weren’t doing what I should as a parent, I was ready to duke it out with them—even if they “blessed” my day.

    I nagged my son, I bribed him, I took away privileges, and I did use some of your types of getting back at him. Public displays of affection go a long way of humiliation—in front of their peers.

    Then I gave up. Every letter that said if my son missed one more day of school, he would be turned over to the social worker. Every little comment his teachers would make, I gave the note or email to him. I put it all in his lap.

    The Fall after he graduated, ALL his friends went away to college. He was left with nobody to play touch football, nobody to shoot hoops with, nobody to play disc golf. So—he decided to enter Winter term at a local 2-year college. Guess what? He tested below what their entrance requirements for acceptance. The had scheduled him for remedial type of college courses. He ranted and raved at me—I calmly told him that I didn’t do it, he did. This was the consequence. He studied, retook the test, passed, and entered the college.

    I feel bad (mom guilt) because he has ADD, and dyslexia. I knew about the dyslexia, but failed to get him help because I listened to a couple of stupid teachers, that I am shocked that they are still teaching, because they were so inadequate. The ADD wasn’t noticed, as he didn’t have the hyperactive portion of it. He sat in class but couldn’t pay attention.

    Keep up the humiliation! It semi-worked for me. What seriously worked, however, was when I placed it all in his lap and quit feeling guilty for not being a “good mom”. Eventually, your son will learn his lesson. Maybe?

    Like

    1. Thanks so much for your words. You have said what I know I have to do. I’m so glad that it worked for your son. The school wasn’t right for him and I am angry with them for being less supportive but he also needs to know that he has to take responsibility too now. Time is running out in the education system. Great to hear a ‘good news story’ like yours. It gives me some hope.

      Like

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