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The following video is an educational film about the degenerative effects of alcohol on the brains of middle-aged and teenage women.

Karaoke Chicks

Oh Dear, oh dear, oh dear…

We understand if you feel the need to turn off your screen if your preconceived ideas about women and how they should behave in public areas are compromised, or if you judge women on how much they drink or how they handle themselves when they drink.

You may exit this post if you find the production of Gloria Gaynor‘s ‘I Will Survive’ amateur or in any way offensive, or if you are at all sensitive to bright lights, strange sounds, high pitched squealing and mum-dancing.

Look away if you thought that Karaoke was limited to:

The Asian community

Young people

People who can sing

But please watch this video if you need reminding that sometimes it’s ok to let your hair down and make a fool of yourself to have a good time, even if you are middle-aged and should possibly know better.

Please ignore the dud notes, awkwardness of the more mature women and the youthful charisma of the teenagers who still enjoy the sight of their own faces (in something called ‘selfies’), the sound of their voices and seeing themselves on camera….all the time.

Believe me when I assure you that the huge cylinder of beer on tap was there for medicinal purposes only, to massage the vocal chords.

Please appreciate that it was harder to work that bloody Chinese Karaoke system than it looks, and that not only did we have to master a remote control, (a technique many of us had forgotten a long time ago), we also had to select ‘foreign’ music to find the top 40 (!). That fucking machine required navigational skills that are not endemic to the female physiology.

Embrace the fact that you can look ridiculous with your teens as long as it on their terms ie. they choose the songs.

That if you too decide to brave a girls Karaoke night, no amount of practice makes it easier to sing a perfect rendition of ‘I Will Survive’ after three hours of drinking.

And before you judge our vocal talent, you should know that during Karaoke you cannot hear the sound of your own voice.

‘So what did you take away from this experience?’ I can hear my therapist ask.

1. For a Karaoke group to be effectual, it needs the following key members:

The surprise performer – the quiet one, who suddenly jumps up and launches into a perfect and heart-rendering rendition of Celine Dion’s Titanic.

The Leader – every serious Karaoke group needs a leader to motivate the troops and we had one who supervised us expertly from fear to fame. It was kind of tricky getting the mike and camera away from her most of the time, though.

The Bar Tender, who takes control of the drinks and understands the importance of lubricating the vocal chords and lungs at all times.

The Technician, who can work out the Karaoke machine – a degree in Chinese helps to first read the instructions and then flirt with the staff.

The DJ, who knows his audience and selects exactly the right blend of music to fit into that precious hour – not easy when the age range is between 19 and 50. She taught us that Adele is not good Karaoke music and Cee Lo Green‘s ‘Fuck You‘ was a masterpiece.

English: Single sleeve of "F**k You!"...

English: Single sleeve of “F**k You!” by Cee Lo Green (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Backing group, which is made up of those who don’t really want to be there and have come out either out of some sort of sense of loyalty or threat. In as much as they are terrified of being centre-stage, they prove to be surprisingly talented at providing a self-conscious background hum that aids the overall volume and makes the pushy performers amongst you shine.

2. You still have the potential to wet your knickers laughing in middle-age.

At 11pm the middle-aged songsters went home (with a private sigh of relief) – back to the soothing consolation of a ginger and lemon tea. The teen songsters, meanwhile, had only just started their evening, and headed off to the nearest club for some vodka chasers and real stimulation.

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified…..but I’ve got all my life to live’.

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